Are You Undermining Your Mindfulness?
Mindful intentions nearly ruined my day until I discovered an opportunity to decide differently.
We’re taught that mindfulness is the key to peace of mind and anyone who has embarked on this journey knows that a 5 minute meditation in the morning can be the difference between a good day and a great day.
Without mindfulness, people go round-and-round running into life like it’s Groundhog’s Day.
But is mindfulness by itself enough to change our lives in the ways (and timeframe) that we desire?
If you’re like me, you’re looking for more happiness, less stress, and deeper fulfillment in the amazing experience of being alive.
To stop over-thinking, I spent years attending Bikram yoga classes like a Mormon attends church; sweating through blind devotion under limiting structure.
For a deeper understanding of myself, I retreated into my home for half of 2019, months before COVID-19 required that everyone else do the same.
Still, I cannot tell you how many days I seriously thought that becoming a monk who lives in a cave would be the only answer to peace in my heart.
Until I discovered micro-decisions, massive action was the only way I knew to make a change.
Micro-decisions occur when you uncover the expectations below the feelings below the thoughts you’re mindfully watching. Finding these buried decisions can lead to great happiness.
When I turned an auto-response into my first micro-decision it resulted in:
- Enjoying the rest of my day
- Connection to myself and my loved ones
- An updated response to travel anxiety
- A Medium article published in Noteworthy
Putting on your seatbelt without thinking about it is a common auto-response that is useful in 99.9% of cases.
Less optimistic auto responses, like avoiding conflict, are learned in a season. Since avoidance can work in an abusive situation, young brains store avoidance as a go-to decision.
Now, your adult brain auto-responds with child-like avoidance when you’re uncomfortable, but avoiding your loving partner or friend could be more harmful than helpful, are you with me?
If you have days that feel like things are falling apart, weeks where you doubt your success, or even months of what feels like failure, chances are your auto-responses need to become less automatic.
In a more lighthearted example, when you plan a trip to the beach do you consciously plan to take your swimsuit or is it an automatic response to your beach plans?
We make dozens of these kind of decisions when packing; sorting liquids, checking in 24 hours before take-off, listening to our favorite podcast along the way in order to be prepared for a great time.
In a similar fashion, we have thousands of auto-responses that are responsible for our results when it comes to income, relationships, and reaching our goals.
Peoples’ auto-responses will make or break them.
Whether you’re willing to admit it or not, you have outdated defaults that are either helping or hurting you. With some curiosity, you’ll be able to identify your auto-responses and turn them into their more conscious cousins, micro-decisions.
Gaining an awareness for not only what you think, but how you respond to those thoughts inspires the opportunity to choose your response.
What use is being aware of your thoughts if you’re not updating your thinking anyway?
When you become aware of how you respond to your thoughts, expectations, desires, and fears, you gain the option of changing your mind one small step at a time.
Auto-responses are tiny thoughts in between other thoughts, so you must look very carefully, practicing an unabashed response of taking space when you need to focus.
Once you find the default in your mind, your alternative choice will be obvious.
Micro-decisions are the easiest decisions you will ever make!
It took an hour to uncover the thoughts beneath the feelings beneath thoughts, but once I found the dwelling auto-response steering me toward the same old path, it was easy to convert it into a micro-decision resulting in an effortless choice toward success and I’m going to tell you how I did it!
When I travel, I have a habitual thought that goes something like,
“I need to make the most of my time while here.”
The pressure is on.
It was early on a rainy Sunday morning. We had extended our trip the day before for a few more days on the beach, but now it was 50 degrees. This and a few other minor incidents led me to the top of a downward spiral, headed for sadness and defeat.
My boyfriend wanted to help me feel better by snuggling and sharing kind words, but I asked for space where I could give myself whatever it was my inner world was needing.
I knew that agitation was a trigger to take a closer look.
Side note: Lower vibration emotions are gold when paid curious attention, but today we’re focused on how to respond to these emotional experiences, not the emotions themselves; context over content.
I felt afraid that if I went upstairs to *self-regulate, I would waste one of our days traveling and I almost did!
Alternatively, I knew that avoiding investigation would leave me in my low-vibe feels, moping around my boyfriend, sister, and baby niece. I had to find out what I was sad about.
Upstairs, I sat in front of a misty, open window. I found solace in the cool sprinkles on my face, rest in sitting, and comfort in solitude.
As thoughts of defeat poured over me, I reminded myself that I am not my thoughts by silently repeating, “I am witnessing thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. This thought is not me.”
I sat in awareness as my thoughts reflected negatively on my relationship to the wonderful man downstairs, doubting past decisions, and judging my lack of communication with people who are important to me.
Instead of entertaining the thoughts, I observed them and let them go.
I soon felt the spiral coming to an end and moved up to the bed, continuing to meditate, watching thoughts like clouds.
In this moment, I became aware of the thought I’d had earlier; the one that said I would get stuck upstairs. For the first time, I noticed the feeling of permanence.
I labeled the thought of, “getting stuck upstairs,” as an expectation — projection into the future.
The clouds were starting to part. My curiosity for a deeper learning pulled my focus from perpetual spiraling to awareness for the lesson that was peeking out from behind the shades of grey.
Some call these silver linings…
But I was emotionally drained. I crawled under the covers. Pulling my, squishy eye mask on, and I settled into the comfort of darkness.
Till that feeling of permanence struck again. I’d had the best intentions for emotional regulation when I asked for space and went upstairs, but now I was choosing to sleep.
Was this auto-response my own fulfillment of the very expectation I was fearing?
If I went to sleep now, I would certainly not return downstairs to make waffles, play card games, or indulge in empathic connection with my three favorite people.
I would be temporarily disposed of and permanently unavailable during one of our last mornings together.
The lesson was coming full circle; what I am sharing with you here.
Decisions happen fast. The mundane (often emotional) parts of our lives can quickly become stuck on repeat.
Each day builds upon the next, taking you in the direction you are headed.
Under pressure and stress -work, social media, friends, family, self-imposed expectations- we default to outdated decisions or auto-responses. They may have served you in the past, but are detrimental to your success today.
Every trigger presents a couple options!
Option 1- Ride the wave with auto-responses until pressure builds enough to push you back under the covers. Wonder why you’re here again, think about what you can do differently next time, and be kind to yourself in all of the choices you’ve made so far.
Option 2- Slow your roll. Witness your thoughts as options. Buy yourself time with the currency of breath. Observe and take note of your expectations. X marks the spot! Dig a little deeper and you’re now facing a micro-decision that will shift the course of your future.
It’s easy to start a new pattern when “negative” emotions become a positive trigger.
In option 2, the slower speed supports you in witnessing how you’ve responded in the past, the feeling behind your impulse to respond the same way now, and a chance to choose differently.
The undercurrent lesson here relates to how we fulfil our expectations like self-fulfilling prophecies.
Slowing your roll through breath and space not only gives you time to become aware of your feelings which are like small children crying out for your attention, but it also affords you a deeper look into what you expect, for better or worse.
Now you’re seeing how tiny decisions can lead to big results.
Our daily decisions are the building blocks to the rest of our lives.
Just like life can be destroyed in an instant, we can turn toward our greatest vision in a moment.
So the next time you feel your shoulders creeping into your earlobes, children banging on the door, or fear rolling in like fog that falls into a valley, give yourself the option of self-regulation and curiosity for finding the point at which you can change your mind.
Massive results come effortlessly when paired with micro-decisions.
Note from the author:
*Self-regulation is an important element throughout our personal journey. Choosing to self-regulate in place of allowing distraction or avoidance supports processing our feelings, learning from them, and returning to a happy state of mind with a heightened sense of awareness that leads to healing the wounds that cause the triggers in the first place.
-In the process of “waking up”, I imagine that you can see the humor in the analogy of choosing to sleep when one can be awake.-
Take it easy out there!
